Staring

The clock keeps ticking,
the seconds drag on,
her voice is lost in the ocean of my thoughts.


Snapping back to your world,
fading into mine
staring,
into what I cannot see.


My pen flows with the words around me
guided by the thoughts within me.


Bowing to silence
fear and respect
boredom and daydreams
fleeting glances,hidden messages,conveying voices.


When the time is over
this moment will be gone,
the solitary reign of silence
gone.


Eyes open,closed ears
wandering minds
restless and bewildered


You move, glancing at the window
and the world,
that beholds.


The tree, branch and leaves.
you observe, yourself.
an insight, a vision, a friend
and you go deeper,


Touching upon
all that is running behind you,
all you are running to.


The bells have rung,
the soul closes to the mind,
that opens.

The Place.

When I go back I am unable to feel that same sense of warmth and belongingness. That place is not my home anymore, that place is not my own anymore. Those walls I rested on, those steps I sat on, those grounds I played on and the paths I walked on feel distant and hazy, like a love of long long ago.

It can never be mine again, there are strings of attachment sewn by a layer of detachment. Attachment to my memories of the place, and places within the place, It’s as if I have left some part of me in each small corner, and each trail I walked on has its own tale to tell. Valley taught me it is okay to be myself.

You would have sensed the confusion in what I just wrote. As I write this I am confused, flooded by emotions and feelings, which demand from me to be expressed. That was a time when I was strong and vulnerable. I could just let go and drift, walk away, not afraid of being judged, especially by myself.

I go there to be myself as much as I go there in search of myself.

Outside those gates, I have to be a puppet, the movements are my own, but are controlled by the one pulling my strings. You start racing to get ahead, and somewhere in this process leave yourself behind. When we are trying to hold on, we should just let go. We would not have to try, if it was ours.

Even though back then things were confusing, looking back I wish things now were as simple as they were then.

The smile when I needed one, the hug whose warmth took away the tears, the impromptu dance every morning, the songs that we sang, the boundaries we broke and learnt to respect. The lessons of life we learnt holding each others hands, lead us onto a path where we grew as individuals as we grew as one.

The memory of, the long midnight walkwith my loved one, the splendid moments of joy and vulnerability with my friends, the guilt and helplessness when things just don’t fall into place, going wrong but ending on the path of realization. All this taught me to love, to give, to understand and to look beyond. All this taught me to live.

It represents a time which will never come back again. It also represents a time whose echo will always resound all through my life. I often switch between these two sides, my mind and heart argue, none of them can win as both are right. The time will not come again but It shall always be.

I go back to experience the feelings of belonging, warmth, comfort, and most importantly the feeling of a place where I learnt to be myself. Even though I still cannot say I know who I am, at least I know I am on the right path. It was a place where I could fall and would not have to fear as I knew I would have people to help me rise, all I had to do was ask.

As I walked across school once evening, everything was empty and silent. The only sound I could hear was mine. This was the first time when I sensed the presence of silence.It was as if the whole Valley was resonating with silence. All the leaves were still. No one dared to disturb the silence. Not only did I sense the presence of silence, but also its strength.

The charm of watery sambhar, cold roties, tasteless vegetables and lime juice will always remain. The long nights spent talking about everything under the sun, along with a heavy dose of maggi and a prized loaf of bread will always remain. All the bathroom water fights, the impromptu dances we broke into, will always remain. The shoulder to cry on and the friends who would make you laugh, the fives eggs a week, the internet time, will always remain. Laughing out loud at the smallest things, sleeping soundly with a test tomorrow, bitching about the food, and getting a stomach upset after eating Pasta, will always remain. The evening coffee, and moonlight conversations, will always remain. Now I have everything, I have a whole city to myself, yet the enduring charm of staying in hostel will always remain.

Now we all in different corners of the world, or it at least feels like that. The faces I saw everyday, will not be seen for a long time to come, some connections will also weaken over time. We were all walking together back then, and now are running on our chosen paths. Some connections may not be as strong as the rest, but they are connections nonetheless, and, hence will always be a part of us. Ignored but not forgotten.

Dear friend,

You are running on a different path, but when I fall on mine you will be there to pick me up. That’s a unspoken promise we made, and which we will follow.

.

Conflict.

I just have a simmering emotion inside me, so I am writing in an attempt to come closer to it and peel out its various layers, and something tells me it’s going to take a long time to get to the bottom of this one. To come to terms with what we have we first have to come to terms with what we do not have. I have often observed that when we are in conflict with ourselves, we are searching for answers of questions from which the conflict arises. The search involves denial, acceptance, helplessness, acceptance of the helplessness and then if your lucky you may just get your answer. The longest step in this process is the acceptance of the helplessness and that is something we do are best to run away from. We try to push it away, to feel we are in control of ourselves, and just when we think that its gone, it just catapults itself back at us, repelling back the same force we suppressed it with. Then we realize we should not fight it, as it is meaningless to fight with what is in us. This realization brings us closer to what we are feeling, what is the conflict, it brings us closer to our self. When we overcome the helplessness we gain the power to approach the problem with no apprehensions, just a desire to experience it and let it be within or without us.

I say within us, because they are always some desires which remain unfulfilled, trying to attain them is like pushing a wall, however hard you may try, something’s cannot be moved and something’s may never change. I felt like using the word may, because after all it’s the hope for a better tomorrow that keeps us going. Unless we come to terms with this fulfillment we will never be able to value all that is fulfilled, within and around us. This brings me back where I started, to come to terms with what we have we first have to come to terms with what we do not have. Attachment is essential as it is the first step in the process of detachment.

I say without us, because after attachment, and the acceptance of the fact that a certain desire will not be fulfilled, the process of detachment starts, where we separate ourselves from the desire and all its trappings. The journey involves the realization that the desire is not a part of us, it is an experience we have gone through. When this happens we observe it, question its core, and finally are at peace with ourselves, and there ends the conflict. We have come to terms with it, now we have the vision to appreciate what we are, and what is.

The conflict has ceased to exist, the lesson has been learnt and understood, the path has ended, but the journey has started, the journey which starts from you and ends with your ‘self’, and this is just a step forward.

Thank you

Relationship

Thinking from the mind and not from the heart erodes the whole essence of true relationship. I use the word true because not all relationships are true to friendship.

A relationship is a mirror and a friend is a second self.

A relationship consists of two basic elements - Love and Attachment – Attachment  create’s the problems and Love solves them . Love is understanding that the other is yours, Attachment is wanting the other to be yours even though he already is. It is the desire for more that makes you expect, and as human nature prevails the more these expectations are met the more they rise. This creates a certain pressure on the bond, which can dilute its whole essence. If water flows out for long it can create a flood. We need to grow as one and as individuals, as a relationship has 3 identities - Me You and Us – there has to be a sense of equilibrium in the growth of 'Us' in order  to ensure a sense of sustenance in the interaction that takes place between ‘Me’ and ‘You’. If one grows more or should I say away from the other, a disconnect creeps in. At times people move apart as they just grow out of the bond, when this happen’s its best to accept and not deny. Denial is the first step to acceptance, if we see it like that it’s a process , however, if we continue to hold onto it we are stopping our growth, and slowing down our journey to discovering what we are, what we really want and what we are capable of . When you fall down and then stand up, chances are you won’t fall that way again.

When a relationship breaks down, it is not the love for the other individual you try to get over or forget, It is the attachment that you have to get over. Hence, there is pain and regret. The love will never fade as love transcends relationship and bond. I am not saying that you will not be able to love another, you definitely will. You will pick up your bags and move on but If that individual calls out to you, the bags will drop and you will go back not as a lover but as a friend, and that is the beauty of love.

Relationship is existence. Life is not about the destination, It’s not about the journey, Its about the connections you make along the way, and that is relationship.

Our closest relationship is with our self. Only when there is peace within us, we will find peace in the world.

:)